The Art of Being Alone

Not Lonely.

Alone.

They’re two very different things.

Oh and hi by the way!

Welcome to my train of thoughts which I like to put into a blog post sometimes. The reason being is that I think my thoughts might resonate with more people than I realise and it’s a healing sort of thing for me to express my inner world to the outer world in the form of writing from time to time. It’s my way of sharing whatever goes on inside me without having to say it out loud (and without risking getting an immediate response I might not be ready for haha).

So, anyways, the art of being alone. Sounds kinda heavy, doesn’t it?

Well, it definitely can be.

But I think it can also be an interesting place to reflect on what it actually means to be alone or better yet, to feel alone. Because let’s be real and allow me to generalise, we ARE not alone in this world, we just FEEL alone in it sometimes. Some more than others.

And is feeling alone really such a bad thing?

I lean towards "no". Feeling alone is not a bad thing. At all. It doesn't have to be at least. If anything, I think the ability of being alone is an excellent skill to have. That's probably why I titled this blog "the ART of being alone".

But there's a tipping point where it can get tricky. It's when feeling alone start leaning more towards feeling lonely and I like to dive into the meaning behind things like this and finding a balance between the two.

Breaking this down into smaller bits and pieces can bring you (or at least me) back to that beautiful root of most issues (my issues, at least) and my main "issue" is that I tend to feel different than everyone else for like a lot of the time. Like an alien, if you will. Misunderstood by the world whilst constantly trying to make sense of it.

This is a common theme in my life as I’m sure it can be for others in many different ways. Which, ironically, makes it much more a collective issue than I initially think it was.

AND HERE I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE IN THIS!

Okay, great, now start making sense, please.

Alright, I'll try.

Let me first describe a specific situation I sometimes find myself in that makes me feel alone to my very core whenever I allow myself to really tap into my emotions (which is not very often, I might add, because in my opinion, nay delisuion, rationalising trumps emoting and truth be told, it is an excellent way to bypass the system of processing scary things and ignore the stuff that is really going on in the background and you know what, it’s even effective to a certain degree, as long as we allow moments in which emotions are welcome and get the space to receive to be felt, honoured, and processed if that’s what we need).

ANYWAY, the situation I told you I'd describe:

I am living in Australia. It’s been a long-lasting dream of mine ever since I travelled here for the first time over 10 years ago. Even before going on that first exploration back in 2015, I knew there was something there for me I hadn’t been able to find in the first 24 years I had been wandering around on this planet.

That something was a sense of belonging. A sense of being home.

Over the years that followed that first experience that lasted about 10.5 months before going back to the reality of societal rules, getting my shit together, and finishing a degree to avoid doubling the debts I already built, that feeling of belonging started to fade away again.

I mean, how can you not love a country full of these adorable creatures? 🦘🦘🦘

The under current there, though, the one I wasn’t aware of at the time but am now, was that I felt guilty towards my family and friends, well mostly my family, about not having that sense of belonging in the place where they were. The place where they raised me, loved me, and are still living today.

And that’s one of the reasons I can feel alone sometimes now. They’re there. I’m here. And I can’t fix that feeling of belonging. And that's okay.

So, there you go.

One reason down.

Then there's the fact that I’ve been either single or “kinda sorta in a relationship but not really” for over a decade now.

For a reason I will expand on another time, I’ve gone from a already very independant human to hyper independent human, leaning into my masculine side so much it became next to impossible to let someone in on an emotional level over the past 10 years. This resulted in me not being able to let men in emotionally whilst simultaneously feeling very anxiously attached to whoever did show up in my life and I became intimate with. It was almost as if I clung onto them with my thighs while my heart remained locked behind a safe thick wall of masculine energy (read: “I can do this on my own”, “I don’t need help”, “I am fine”, etc.). And I was fine, but I also missed out on a lot of joy and lightness in some of the real connections I built.

I’m still figuring that one out.

It's these two big factors in life, those factors providing safety and comfort for most because most people learned what they wanted from life early on and decided to stick with it, are not in my life.

At least, not consistently.

And that's something I chose. It's a life I chose to live willingly because the alternative is not an option.

So, where does that leave me (and perhaps you)?

I’m at this beautiful and challenging intersection where on one side I have the biggest and most beautiful deeply rooted support system I could ever wish for who happened to live on the on the other side of the world and on the other side I am building an incredible new network in a place where I feel like I belong but where all connections are still young and fragile.

And in that scenario, I continue feeling misunderstood and alienated from time to time.

Because that deeply rooted support system back home has known me for over 30 years. They've seen me make decisions and following my own path and at the same time they only see fragments of who I am now. Still the same person, but also on an ever evolving journey.

And on the other side there's the people who I've just got the pleasure of meeting and who know me as the person I am now and might have difficulties to get a clear picture of me without having the full background story.

Which is a long story.

It’s not them who are making me feel like that, though, it’s all me. It’s me who’s having a hard time showing my true and full self and trusting people will learn to understand me at their own paste and respect that everyone will have their own interpretation of me.

I am hardly the same person I was yesterday; how can I expect anyone to know the person I was 34 years prior to that? It’s virtually impossible.

And in saying all that, I feel a sense of relieve because like I mentioned before, I love rationalising feelings and emotions and finding an explanation for them that makes sense rather than sitting with them waiting for them to pass without making sense of it.

And in the end it'll all make sense, really.

We just need to learn to be patient to appreciate the power of hindsight.

I feel like I am at the stage now where I have so many people in my life who I love and can reach out to and yet I feel misunderstood because those things that give people a sense of peace and calm are consistently inconsistent. My foundation is always a bit shaky, and my sense of security keeps being challenged.

My mind plays this game with me sometimes to find ease in the thought of just packing up and move to my safe and structured old life. Because why would anyone put themselves in such a challenging and insecure position while they can just go back to a place where they have "everything"?

Packing up and moving is something I happen excel at 🚘

And that’s where that sense of “knowing” and “belonging” comes in. I just can’t do it. I am excellent at living either in the future or the past and forwarding the film called my life in my head and the idea of moving back gives me an instant unsettling feeling. You know that feeling above your eyes and a vague unsettling feeling in your stomach? That’s the feeling I get when I think of that scenario. Followed by the feeling of guilt towards my family and friends. And so on.

This cycle will probably keep repeating itself, which in itself is consistency. It's my consistency.

That’s where the Art of Being Alone comes in

It helps to be comfortable with being alone. And I am. It's one of my biggest traits. Such is being independent.

These might not be the most popular or desired traits in this world but I promise you, it'll get you places.

It’s an ongoing life lesson. It’s a dance of mind and body and tuning into what the body can do to help the mind and what the mind can do to help the body to enjoy comfort and learn from the discomfort.

Sometimes that is to just let it happen and feel into the discomfort and other times it helps to take yourself out on a walk or a yoga class. No day is the same but in the end it’s about finding that sense of peace and calm again. A sense of knowing this is the right path.

And you know what, the path you're on is the only possible one anyways and therefore it's always the right one. I find comfort in that logic.

For the Menstruators (and non-Menstruators) Amongst Us

To finish this blog, I made a little list of things I like to do throughout my cycle to support myself when I tend to find the weight of the scale tipping more towards lonely.

Also, these things are not restricted to whichever season I list them as, this could be completely different for the next person.

Inner Winter ❄️

Inner winter is the season that starts on the day we start to bleed and for the non-bleeders out there, I invite you to consider the first day of the new moon as your inner winter.

During my inner winter I like to focus on these things to support my mental state:

• Allowing myself to be slow and intentional

• Eat and drink only warm and nutritious food and drinks

• Find a safe space to cry and let emotions flow

Inner Spring 🌸

Inner spring is the season in which the bleeding had (almost) come to an end and the body gets ready to ovulate.

• I crave solitude in my spring so I allow myself to be on my own even though my social energy levels are picking up

• Dance on my own! Yes, because the energy sometimes does deel like an uncomfortable ball of energy and I can only process whilst moving my body. And I also love dancing.

• I'll slowly (not slowly actually, but it is strategic) start planning social activities with friends like catching up for a coffee or going for a walk.

Inner Summer ☀️

Inner summer also describes the time in which ovulation happens. This is the time where we are supposed to shine and have the most energy. Don't be fooled, though, it's not always a guarantee and that's completely fine. For non-menstruators, this phase could be mirrored with a full moon.

• This is when the social activities usually happen for me, but I'll still only plan 1 maximum 2 activities a day for max 2 hours per activity (yes, I live regimented, okay, but it works)

• This is also when I move my body the most and go for a million walks with podcasts and cheery music

• It's also the season in which I can sometimes be overwhelmed and emotional so if needed, I'll find a safe space to cry again.

Inner autumn 🍂

My favourite season of all! And the longest one too. This is the season in which the body gets ready to nurture a teeny tiny baby and if there is no conception detected, it's the season in which the hormone levels reset again and the body will prepare to let go of the uterine lining (menstruation).

• Instead of a busy social life, this is the time in which I can find most comfort in finishing tasks such as finishing blogs I've started a while ago (exactly like I'm doing right now!)

• I'll also start Google-ing (or ChatGPT-ing these days) recipes that align well with my body type and season to prep for a couple of days ahead (this is what I do throughout my entire cycle really).

• This is the time the restlessness leaves my system (due to hormone levels dropping, I'd say) and I feel comfortable in my own company and in my own head again. It's the time in which I self-reflect and think about next steps but don't take them yet.

It's my favourite outer season too, to be fair. How can it not be?? 🥺🍂

And that's about it. There's so much more, though, and it's really not as black and white as it may seem. Seasons and phases and these terms such as "menstruation" and the "luteal" phase are a good red thread (hehe) to keep in mind, but it's really how you are showing up and where you're at mentally and physically that'll indicate exactly what you need to get out of your head and into the world when you are starting to loose the balance a bit.

Hope that helps you to find comfort in being alone from time to time.

All the love! ♥️🩸

Xoxo Domi